Sometimes you have to go home to find yourself

So there I was... Tick, Tack, Toe.  I had completed a ten year uphill battle that was sure to land me at victory.  It was my time to shine, my time to thrive.  The things I had accomplished in a decade by the time I was 28 years old, I was sure to be on my way...

Let me just briefly walk you through what I am talking about.  I had joined the Marine Corps at the age of 18 and I spent two combat tours overseas during my 4 year tour which led me to be the age of 22.  I was now an honorably discharged Marine Corps Infantry grunt that had survived death.

Who could touch me?

Iraq 2005

At age 22 I started back at college.  It was a huge blow to my ego and pride to be a freshmen in college as I began to realize that all of my friends that didn't take the military route were now on with their degrees, relationships, and they were at a whole new stage in life.  I felt like I was just beginning all over again, but I was sure to march forward anyways and there I did it...  I completed my bachelors degree by the age of 26.

It wasn't time to take a break.  I didn't even go to my Undergraduate Commencement ceremony yet and I was already three classes into my Masters program.  I then would go on to finish that by the age of 28 and I figured I was on my way...

First, let me tell you the things I was able to accomplish in the decade were unreal.  I had perfected my image and I knew that I was sure to arrive.  The amount of accomplishments and such I had were unreal to the outside eye.

Recepient of Student of The Year 2011

I was being invited to lunches in the Mayors office, rubbing arms with important people in suits daily, I had a day named after me in Western New York by the Senators office.  I had one of the most prestigious awards of my school given to me.  I was recognized as one of the next big corporate guys on the move by Business First magazine.

I frequently found my face on T.V. or in the newspaper.  Whether it be being recognized as Western New Yorks Good Neighbor for my work, talking about the Boston Marathon bombings, speaking on behalf of Veterans at job fairs or having to speak words for a Marine who just got killed in action in Iraq.  I was showing up and showing up and showing up.

I even went as far as to go deep into my story about war and being almost being shot by a sniper on post which then led me to a staged photo of the moment from war with my family in the background which then led me into an art gallery downtown and a world wide tour of my photo, which then would go viral on social media reaching hundreds of thousands of people.

Soldiers Stories from Iraq and Afghanistan photo 2012

 It was my time to shine and I had it all together...  (To the outside eye anyways)

All I had to do was keep plowing forwards.  Right?

Nope...

Don't get me wrong I am greatful for the decades worth of experiences, but I knew something was deeply missing.

I was tired, I was worn out.  The decade caught up to me at all at once.  The phone kept ringing and I didn't want to pick it up anymore.  I started bowing out of everything.  It's because I was chasing an image I knew I'd never catch.  I had people celebrating me, calling me, telling me to remember them when I'm famous.  They're voting for me when I run for mayor.  I had friends left and right that were wanting to be around me and celebrate, yet I was dying on the inside.

I just crashed.  As soon as I started pulling away, I was losing friends, supporters, etc... But I was suffering severe anxiety, having panic attacks.  I was drinking alcohol just to feel normal.  I was in a nutshell falling apart. I realized my performance was too much to muster up and quite frankly what I had spent years building was all slowly crashing down.

Pittsburgh, PA filming for Make The Connection 2012

I remember it like it was yesterday I put down everything, my job, opportunities to climb the ladder, my apartment, my resumes, my everything.  I knew it was the very reason I was dying inside.  For the first time in my life I had to admit to myself that I was in love with an illusion.  I was chasing an image I would never arrive at it and it was time to go home.  I knew I had to find myself.  I knew my foundation was built on false promises.

I needed to lay down my life, pick up my cross and follow the only one who could set me free, Jesus.

But it couldn't be that easy was it?  Nope.  I sold all of my possessions, my jet ski, my motorcycle, couches, tables, flat screens, left my 2 bedroom 1500sqft apartment and I was looking like that guy who was at the height of everything to a loser who was going home to live with his mom and dad at 28 years old.   The most important thing I knew I had to find was my heart beat again and I had to answer this question: Who was I made to be?

But let me tell you, I had an escape plan to Florida and I was going to find the sunshine and start a new life, but in the end I knew I was still running.

It was at that moment that I knew it was because I wanted to run, I knew I had to stay.

This terrified me.  Isn't it all too easy to run from our problems instead of face them? To mask them into our daily routines and think hey I got this.

But the true question was: What was I running from? Why did I have to muster up this external performance so badly?

Well to be blunt, It's because I wanted acceptance.  The very thing most of us crave on a day to day basis without ever admitting it. It was my way of being validated.  After all isn't that the American dream, "to be known" and to be successful.

A great friend and mentor taught me, "Success at the expense of relationship is counterfeit."

At this point in my life I realized at the age of 18, I accepted Christ into my heart, but I had spent a decade thinking I knew better then Him.  I was on the run and many times He was trying to lead me back home, yet I only felt like I would talk to him if I needed him, other then that He was kicked to the curb.  Basically an after thought.

My strength, pride and ego was all I relied on and that right there is enough to kill you.  Let me tell you this,  Jesus doesn't want to be your spare tire, He wants to be your everything and I learned just how devastating my own ways were.

Jesus says, "He who loses his life in me shall find it.  Deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow me."

But what does that look like when you have to put down the image that you spent so long building and perfecting? I actually had to face the vulnerability of looking like a failure for the first time in my life.

I started showing up places and I wasn't celebrated anymore.  I'm telling you, it was not easy and is still not easy.  Now instead I had to show up places, feel humiliated and I'd get this look like, What the heck is wrong with you?  You are throwing your life away.  That should show you how much I used my image for validation and how I needed it so badly to define me.

God will literally strip you of everything false that you've built.  He has to crush your plans because honestly they were all a dead end to begin with which ultimately lead to the emptiness. That's truly why I was dying inside, but in order to restore my life, I realized I must re-submit my life to Him.

This sounds like a death sentence right? I knew how hard this was going to be but for the first time in my life I was willing to surrender it all.

It's actually freedom.  I am free from addiction.  I have not touched alcohol in a year and a half.  I know longer have to pretend I have it all together.  I embrace vulnerability and brokenness.

The extreme anxiety I once faced, I've been set free from.  I simply just don't have to keep up anymore.  As my Pastor said the other day "The Gospel isn't to make bad people good, it's to make dead people live."

"I'm out here searching for a much more elusive prey, I'm searching for my heart."

I was dead, now I am alive.

You see the image we spend so long perfecting, or the shell we spend so much time protecting.  The fear that is deep rooted in our hearts, God knows and when you turn it all over to Him, He has to do spiritual surgery on your heart and bring you back to the start line.  You will then realize how you have been deceived for so long.

I would not trade these last two years of "not having it all together" for the world.  I haven't had a solid pay check in two years.  One of my favorite quotes that came to me through these times is "I've never been more broke, but I've never felt so rich."  If you truly trust God's plan for your life, he will provide you everything you need.

Leaving monetary offers on the table was not easy.  I would have a job offer and realize nope if I go there now, I'm going to run right back to where I started.  So I'd say no sorry can't take it, because deep down I knew that was my exit plan out of all this.  It was the easy way out.

More then any thing money could buy, I desperately wanted to find my heart beat and I realized by discovering this that eventually my foundation for a future with a wife, children, jobs, and other opportunities that would emerge, it was only then my life's foundation would be built on solid rock because it would be God's plan, not Jeff's.

Currently, I am serving my church's mission and through this I've seen some amazing growth, experienced tremendous vulnerability and am learning more about myself every single day.  I'm a firm believer that to discover your true authentic self, you have to serve a mission that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Counter-cultural huh?

I live with a dresser, a bed, a car, a fish tank and a guitar.  That two bedroom luxurious apartment is long gone and I have a small room to sleep in at night.  I'm a loser to the worlds eyes, but I understand God is changing my heart before he'll ever change my situation and I am so blessed for that.   I've heard just about all of the slanders you can probably imagine about my decision to return home.  It's okay though, I once ran from it, now I embrace it.

As Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans not to harm you, plans to prosper you and give you life."

That's where I want to be.  God's got me in the palm of his hands.

Here would be my thinking point to you, the reader...  We as a Western Society have built in so many lies into our system and culture.  Here's a few examples...

"If I'm not here by a certain age, I'm a failure.  If I don't have a marriage, a house and all these external things I'm a failure."  It's all not true.  Don't buy that plan.  Look at the statistics of debt, divorce... etc.

If I could be a living testimony to say: Stop chasing the illusion.  Trust me, it's a dead end.

Your heart is too precious and so is your life.  If you've never turned your heart to the Lord, I will tell you he is going to transform you and make you brand new.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." ‭-2 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭17‬

I'm loving this wild adventure and the best days have yet to come.  God Bless and be well.

-Jeff