The Prolonged Decision To Go Sober

Almost every single time I visited the doctor, I dreaded the question coming my way.  So how much and how often do you drink alcohol? The scale they used to judge you, I perceived as unfair.  I was thinking, This is America doc. Everyone must fail this test because the doctor thinks more than six alcoholic drinks a week is failing.  However, for me that was an average night of just barley getting started possibly four, five or six days a week, depending on the week.  So, I'd cringe telling the doctor because I knew every single time I was going to be recommend to Substance Abuse therapy.

Having attended a brief stint of the therapy five or six years ago, I quickly ran away from it.  I didn't think I had a problem and I was really annoyed they even thought to send me there. After having to make a list of what life looked like sober versus with alcohol being in my daily to weekly habits, I decided this doctor obviously doesn't know me or reality. I am a Marine Corps Combat Veteran, I am German with a mix of Irish, and I am from one of the biggest drinking cities in America, Buffalo, NY. Marines, we drink. It's Buffalo- We drink to our sports teams, we drink and eat wings. It's just what we do.  It's just what I do.  Leave me alone. 
  
Throughout my time serving my country, I learned to booze like there was no tomorrow.  Well, because hell I spent 14 months total between Afghanistan and Iraq in the Infantry, so literally, there may never be a tomorrow.  I guess the more popular way people in their 20's describe it is YOLO-(You Only Live Once).  I remember when I was honorably discharged out of the military, I was only 22 years old.  I remember, people thinking I was just a normal average kid.  I was actually criticized by classmates as they found out I was older.  

In Iraq in November 2005 during Operation Steel Curtain

Why are you 25 and in college, Did you take time off and party?  That was a question I got, and more often then not I was frustrated because although I looked like everyone else, they had no clue what was going on inside of me or where I had been, so drinking became a way of life.  A bottle of beer, and I had the solution.  This was a struggle and a struggle that stayed with me throughout my college days post military, all the way up until recently.

Here is a personal quote I came up with that is going to set up the rest of what I'm about to tell you:  

"Unless you're willing to get to the root of the issue, you'll spend your whole life treating symptoms.  You can only put so many band aids on something that needs surgery."

I started blaming the doctor about this issue.  The doctor just doesn't understand.  She would never understand my story.  I started condemning the doctor and everyone I knew, saying in my head "Tell me if you didn't go through what I went through, that you wouldn't be a huge boozer as well."  I thought too myself, I turned 20 in Afghanistan and 21 in Iraq.  There were no limo parties for me.  In fact, I was on the side of a mountain in Afghanistan on my birthday and I was on a twenty four hour shift on my birthday in Iraq.  Happy Birthday to me.  I risked getting killed for this country, so who are they to tell me how to live.  I don't have to explain myself anymore or to any of these people aka- Pride which can be deadly.  The- I know better mentality, which can sometimes also be deadly. If drinking is what I want to do, that's what I'm going to do.  Period.

Well after prolonged years of this and a few attempts too drastically cut back drinking, where I got it down to special occasions, only to return to full fledged drinking again; I realized that I thought I was in control, but I wasn't at all.  Basically I was negotiating with myself, treating the symptoms over and over, without ever getting to the root of the issue.  

Over this past summer I was in church on a Sunday, and we had a guest Pastor in town talking about how many times is God going to want you to hit the brakes on an addiction or an issue, and you have the right people around you trying to help you, and there you are saying, Nope I know better.

I immediately thought of the doctor amongst some others that I chose to ignore every single time.  It took one of my mentors sticking his arm out like your mother probably did when she slammed on the brakes at a red light when you were growing up, and saying Brother you are an amazing man, but we have to go to the root of the issue.  I seriously wanted to run away right there.  That was terrifying to me, to go all the way back and think about where this started.  Yikes!

I drastically didn't want to sit down with him, because I knew I was going to be vulnerable, and much like my doctor, it was going to be a repeated conversation of me concluding that he just doesn't understand.  The important thing is: I dropped my guard, and opened my ears and my mind. Don't we seem to have a hard time doing this in life?  I welcomed being broken down, because I knew alcohol consistently kept leading me on the road to no where.  

Well, he sat down with me and started asking questions, which I cringed to answer.  I actually think my palms were sweating and I wanted a drink right there.  He eventually pointed out that any addiction, negative or bad reaction human beings have is like a bad weed in a garden, the seed started long ago and it is a bad root that is continuing to grow inside you.  And that until I dug to the root of the issue, these weeds were only going to get worse and worse, unless I made a decision to do something about it.

In 2007 upon returning home from the Military

 In order for things in your life to change, you have to change the things in your life.  To get something different, you have to do something different.

That hit me hard because I knew I had to stop doing what was comfortable, and seek solutions.  I stopped pointing fingers at everyone and everything else, and I actually had to point the finger at myself. Ouch.  That hurt.

I started to dig deep to the root of the issue.  I didn't understand, until I did some self reflecting. I returned from Afghanistan in 2004 and Iraq in 2006, one of the first things you want to do is drink it up and have a good time with family, friends and loved ones.  You're home, you made it back. You deserve it.  Lets party!  It's an amazing feeling.  The thing is the high of you serving your country wears off to almost everyone, accept you and many of your buddies that wore the nations uniform as well.  After all, 1% of the nation serves in the military, and fewer then that actually go into war, and fight on the front lines.  You are left fighting an internal battle that could control the rest of your life if you let it.  The important part is: If you let it.  So what do you start to do, without you knowing it, you negotiate your way into a life of percieved comfort, and alcohol can easily become the choice to mask the wounds.  

It took me some time too realize that yes I was drinking with crowds of people, family, friends etc, but when they stopped, I carried on.  Everyday of the week had a reason to drink for me.  I was drinking for a different reason.  I wasn't out to experience my first keg stand, to socially have a night out, or too impress people at the club.  It was my way of feeling normal.  In fact, I often found myself drinking in places that weren't the most uppity clubs or bars in the world because it was relaxed.  I more often then not, chose to hang out with people way older than me, because I knew they would just drink and chill, while people my age or in the 20's, in my opinion were out to make a show of their drinking.  It always seemed like four drinks in, I was feeling normal and they were ready to start something with someone, which I hated.

After about five of six years of this on and off... Man, I don't know how better to say it then I hit a wall.  The comfort of alcohol was a lie.  It was destroying my life.  My life was falling apart.  The alcohol was draining my bank account.  I was at an all time high for anxiety.  More days then not, I'd actually schedule a whole day or two in my week to recover. I just couldn't recover anymore.  I actually had a few full fledged panic attacks while going through withdrawals.  I couldn't concentrate anywhere and I was ruining myself.  Drinking just wasn't funny anymore or fun.  

The question still remained what did life look like sober?  I was scared to see it.  Yet, I made the decision too see it. I went to the root of the issue, as I was done treating symptoms.  I was mainly scared to see it because I relied upon it, it was my outlet.  It was my comfort zone.  I didn't want friends or family to think I was trying to become the perfect person, like I was putting myself up on a pedestal.  I didn't want to be criticized.  You name it, I was feeling it. It felt like the world was crashing down.  Man, I was vulnerable, but I chose to see it through.

"It's during the moments of perceived darkness, where you're actually introduced to the light." (Tweet That)

I didn't realize that on the other side of this issue was a life awaiting me.  It's where my themed movement I've started came from: "Back In The Fight"... It was time to get back up and get Back in the fight of life, and I've found this has resignated with people fighting their own battles.  I am now in control, I am now able to dive into my dreams whole heartedly, without distraction.  It was like I was ousted out of the darkness and into the light.  By pointing the finger at myself, I was able to take that lesson into so many other things in my life.  

Recently in Crossfit Training at Athletes Unleashed

God will take you out of the darkness and into the light if you make the decision.  I recognized, I was the only one that could.  I've had so many revelations sober, where I've seen my old self to where I'd normally be drunk, versus where I actually am sober.

If you're out there reading this.  Don't think I'm condemning drinking or your life.  This is a brief part of my story and my testimony.  Maybe you're struggling like I was.  I just want to let you know if you are going through a transition or change see it through.  You are stronger then you think.  On the other side is a reward.  Trust me.  I feel like my life is only just beginning, now that I can see and think clearly.  

God Bless.  Semper Fi 

What about you? Do you struggle with anything similar or have you over came an addiction?

Open Up Your Mind And You'll Be Introduced To A World You Never Once Knew

So I remember it perfectly.  It was December 2012.  I had just finished up my Masters Degree and all signs pointed I was on my way to Corporate America.

It's kind of funny what happened next.  I had never watched "The Voice" at all. In fact I usually made fun of people who did, but one cold winter night during a crossroads in my life I happened to stop on NBC as I was flipping channels in my old apartment. I saw this girl, Cassadee Pope singing and it caught my attention. I knew nothing about her, but immediately I was like this girl has something. I saw a girl glowing with passion and chasing her dream. It was the second last episode of that season and I just knew she was going to win. Especially after her mind blowing cover of Miranda Lambert's famed song, "Over You"  She stood out. I ended up watching the season finale to see her win and sing alongside her hero Avril Lavigne, looking like she was having the time of her life.  

I started realizing man people who chase their dreams have the best stories.  The more I learned about her, I was like damn this girl speaks my language. That's the biggest thing I realized is people who chase their dreams understand one another because they have common similarities that most people aren't willing to endure.  The risk, the criticisms, the hate, the adversity... Basically you say to yourself- I am willing to fail in front of the whole world and in the end it's still a success.

Soon after that final episode aired and Cassadee was crowned Season 3 Winner of the Voice, I had an opportunity come to me that would allow me to live my dream if I was willing to change my bad habits, to give up my safety and comfort as well as what most people cling to is their security aka "comfort zones."  

I decided to go all in on my dreams, turning from the Corporate way of life. I was excited, yet secretly terrified.  I threw my resumes in the garbage (which felt so good) and what do you know the day I decided to do that... That night, I look over and there she was again on my TV this time on New Years Eve in Times Square with Carson Daily.  God will give you signs to let you know you are not alone and this was one of them. 

I remember thinking man going after your dream is so amazing.  Just laying it all on the line and taking that chance, look at the rewards on the other side. She went from not knowing if she'd win a show in front of the world on TV to singing at one of the biggest celebrations in America. It's truly amazing! 


Needless to say here I was, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing, and I had almost all my friend groups criticizing and disowning me for choosing to live my dreams.  I had family telling me I was nuts, but New Years Day 2013, I hopped in my car anyways on a dollar and a dream and was off to Florida to start this journey. I've been on the journey ever since all over America landing in spots I never could've imagined.  My whole life changed overnight.  Yeah, plenty of people left me.  They turned there back and were gone, but man I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Am I rich yet?  No... Has everything gone as planned? No, actually not at all.  I've failed so many times in this past year and a half it's incredible, each failure teaching me a new lesson.  It's been the greatest growing experience of my life.  If anyone told you dreams were easy, they lied. I sold everything I had, dropped my apartment and went all in.  Tip toeing in the water will never work in living your dream.  It's pretty simple, you're either in or you're out.  There really is no in between.  If you stop, no one is covering your shift.  So, for the days of uncertainty on the path of pursuing my dreams, I came up with this quote that has carried me through the patches where I didn't know, and the future seemed blurry.  I chose to focus on the here and now instead.  I'd look in the mirror and say this quote: "I've never been more broke, but I've never felt so rich." 

I am alive. I am free, and I am in love with this life. It's rare you don't find me smiling now a days. I've been blessed to be able to be mentored for over a year now with a guy I call my good friend who came from the National Football League.  I've met my heroes.  I've seen every aspect of my favorite hockey teams NHL arena and got a guided tour by a player.  I got to touch and pose with the Stanley Cup.  Things I always dreamed about as a kid. I am not here to brag about any of this, but I am here to show you it's possible.  If you can think it, it's real and it just gets more and more real as the days carry on.  Often the question I am asked and I find funny is: How come you get to do all this stuff?   Scroll back to the top and re read what I've already wrote.  Serving my country and fighting in two wars, making it back alive and in one piece laid the foundation.  Bottom line is: You have to make a decision and you must endure risk. Plain and simple. 

I remember thinking if I had a chance to meet Cassadee "someday" I'd want to say thank you for changing my life and being a huge influence to me, during such an uncertain time. Three months after I made the decision around New Years 2013 I met her in Las Vegas on a limb while at a convention. I had no clue we'd be at the same place, same time. I had no clue I'd ever meet her. Now I've been fortunate and blessed to be able to meet her three times now in just over a year.  I've been blessed to be able to share some laughs with Cassadee. She is truly one of the nicest, most genuine girls I've ever met. If you have the chance to meet her, do it. In fact this past time we joked, "Started from the bottom now we here." Haha.   

In fact, there has only ever been five winners of The Voice and I've met three of them.  It's insane to me, but God will open doors when you put your faith in him and say, I trust you.  You are guiding me, though I can't always see it.  Great quote from a pastor that I carry with me on the journey is: "God uses pain and suffering to shape us into who we ought to be, not who we want to be, or what others think we should be."

Bottom line is: Thoughts become things.  You have to be willing to be all in though, or else thoughts are just thoughts.  It's like being in an endless day dream.  You have to awake from that day dream and get out there if you want it. The world is massive with tremendous opportunity and you have skills no one else has. Think about that. It's astonishing. Use them.  

If you're out there chasing your dream keep going.  Failure is the stepping stone to massive growth.  You just never know who you are inspiring and God has a plan for you. 

No matter what anyone says- Listen to what God puts in your heart, it will never lead you astray.  Oh and in case I didn't make it clear- Thank you Cassadee for being that shining light when I needed it most.

God Bless and Semper Fi