The Prolonged Decision To Go Sober

Almost every single time I visited the doctor, I dreaded the question coming my way.  So how much and how often do you drink alcohol? The scale they used to judge you, I perceived as unfair.  I was thinking, This is America doc. Everyone must fail this test because the doctor thinks more than six alcoholic drinks a week is failing.  However, for me that was an average night of just barley getting started possibly four, five or six days a week, depending on the week.  So, I'd cringe telling the doctor because I knew every single time I was going to be recommend to Substance Abuse therapy.

Having attended a brief stint of the therapy five or six years ago, I quickly ran away from it.  I didn't think I had a problem and I was really annoyed they even thought to send me there. After having to make a list of what life looked like sober versus with alcohol being in my daily to weekly habits, I decided this doctor obviously doesn't know me or reality. I am a Marine Corps Combat Veteran, I am German with a mix of Irish, and I am from one of the biggest drinking cities in America, Buffalo, NY. Marines, we drink. It's Buffalo- We drink to our sports teams, we drink and eat wings. It's just what we do.  It's just what I do.  Leave me alone. 
  
Throughout my time serving my country, I learned to booze like there was no tomorrow.  Well, because hell I spent 14 months total between Afghanistan and Iraq in the Infantry, so literally, there may never be a tomorrow.  I guess the more popular way people in their 20's describe it is YOLO-(You Only Live Once).  I remember when I was honorably discharged out of the military, I was only 22 years old.  I remember, people thinking I was just a normal average kid.  I was actually criticized by classmates as they found out I was older.  

In Iraq in November 2005 during Operation Steel Curtain

Why are you 25 and in college, Did you take time off and party?  That was a question I got, and more often then not I was frustrated because although I looked like everyone else, they had no clue what was going on inside of me or where I had been, so drinking became a way of life.  A bottle of beer, and I had the solution.  This was a struggle and a struggle that stayed with me throughout my college days post military, all the way up until recently.

Here is a personal quote I came up with that is going to set up the rest of what I'm about to tell you:  

"Unless you're willing to get to the root of the issue, you'll spend your whole life treating symptoms.  You can only put so many band aids on something that needs surgery."

I started blaming the doctor about this issue.  The doctor just doesn't understand.  She would never understand my story.  I started condemning the doctor and everyone I knew, saying in my head "Tell me if you didn't go through what I went through, that you wouldn't be a huge boozer as well."  I thought too myself, I turned 20 in Afghanistan and 21 in Iraq.  There were no limo parties for me.  In fact, I was on the side of a mountain in Afghanistan on my birthday and I was on a twenty four hour shift on my birthday in Iraq.  Happy Birthday to me.  I risked getting killed for this country, so who are they to tell me how to live.  I don't have to explain myself anymore or to any of these people aka- Pride which can be deadly.  The- I know better mentality, which can sometimes also be deadly. If drinking is what I want to do, that's what I'm going to do.  Period.

Well after prolonged years of this and a few attempts too drastically cut back drinking, where I got it down to special occasions, only to return to full fledged drinking again; I realized that I thought I was in control, but I wasn't at all.  Basically I was negotiating with myself, treating the symptoms over and over, without ever getting to the root of the issue.  

Over this past summer I was in church on a Sunday, and we had a guest Pastor in town talking about how many times is God going to want you to hit the brakes on an addiction or an issue, and you have the right people around you trying to help you, and there you are saying, Nope I know better.

I immediately thought of the doctor amongst some others that I chose to ignore every single time.  It took one of my mentors sticking his arm out like your mother probably did when she slammed on the brakes at a red light when you were growing up, and saying Brother you are an amazing man, but we have to go to the root of the issue.  I seriously wanted to run away right there.  That was terrifying to me, to go all the way back and think about where this started.  Yikes!

I drastically didn't want to sit down with him, because I knew I was going to be vulnerable, and much like my doctor, it was going to be a repeated conversation of me concluding that he just doesn't understand.  The important thing is: I dropped my guard, and opened my ears and my mind. Don't we seem to have a hard time doing this in life?  I welcomed being broken down, because I knew alcohol consistently kept leading me on the road to no where.  

Well, he sat down with me and started asking questions, which I cringed to answer.  I actually think my palms were sweating and I wanted a drink right there.  He eventually pointed out that any addiction, negative or bad reaction human beings have is like a bad weed in a garden, the seed started long ago and it is a bad root that is continuing to grow inside you.  And that until I dug to the root of the issue, these weeds were only going to get worse and worse, unless I made a decision to do something about it.

In 2007 upon returning home from the Military

 In order for things in your life to change, you have to change the things in your life.  To get something different, you have to do something different.

That hit me hard because I knew I had to stop doing what was comfortable, and seek solutions.  I stopped pointing fingers at everyone and everything else, and I actually had to point the finger at myself. Ouch.  That hurt.

I started to dig deep to the root of the issue.  I didn't understand, until I did some self reflecting. I returned from Afghanistan in 2004 and Iraq in 2006, one of the first things you want to do is drink it up and have a good time with family, friends and loved ones.  You're home, you made it back. You deserve it.  Lets party!  It's an amazing feeling.  The thing is the high of you serving your country wears off to almost everyone, accept you and many of your buddies that wore the nations uniform as well.  After all, 1% of the nation serves in the military, and fewer then that actually go into war, and fight on the front lines.  You are left fighting an internal battle that could control the rest of your life if you let it.  The important part is: If you let it.  So what do you start to do, without you knowing it, you negotiate your way into a life of percieved comfort, and alcohol can easily become the choice to mask the wounds.  

It took me some time too realize that yes I was drinking with crowds of people, family, friends etc, but when they stopped, I carried on.  Everyday of the week had a reason to drink for me.  I was drinking for a different reason.  I wasn't out to experience my first keg stand, to socially have a night out, or too impress people at the club.  It was my way of feeling normal.  In fact, I often found myself drinking in places that weren't the most uppity clubs or bars in the world because it was relaxed.  I more often then not, chose to hang out with people way older than me, because I knew they would just drink and chill, while people my age or in the 20's, in my opinion were out to make a show of their drinking.  It always seemed like four drinks in, I was feeling normal and they were ready to start something with someone, which I hated.

After about five of six years of this on and off... Man, I don't know how better to say it then I hit a wall.  The comfort of alcohol was a lie.  It was destroying my life.  My life was falling apart.  The alcohol was draining my bank account.  I was at an all time high for anxiety.  More days then not, I'd actually schedule a whole day or two in my week to recover. I just couldn't recover anymore.  I actually had a few full fledged panic attacks while going through withdrawals.  I couldn't concentrate anywhere and I was ruining myself.  Drinking just wasn't funny anymore or fun.  

The question still remained what did life look like sober?  I was scared to see it.  Yet, I made the decision too see it. I went to the root of the issue, as I was done treating symptoms.  I was mainly scared to see it because I relied upon it, it was my outlet.  It was my comfort zone.  I didn't want friends or family to think I was trying to become the perfect person, like I was putting myself up on a pedestal.  I didn't want to be criticized.  You name it, I was feeling it. It felt like the world was crashing down.  Man, I was vulnerable, but I chose to see it through.

"It's during the moments of perceived darkness, where you're actually introduced to the light." (Tweet That)

I didn't realize that on the other side of this issue was a life awaiting me.  It's where my themed movement I've started came from: "Back In The Fight"... It was time to get back up and get Back in the fight of life, and I've found this has resignated with people fighting their own battles.  I am now in control, I am now able to dive into my dreams whole heartedly, without distraction.  It was like I was ousted out of the darkness and into the light.  By pointing the finger at myself, I was able to take that lesson into so many other things in my life.  

Recently in Crossfit Training at Athletes Unleashed

God will take you out of the darkness and into the light if you make the decision.  I recognized, I was the only one that could.  I've had so many revelations sober, where I've seen my old self to where I'd normally be drunk, versus where I actually am sober.

If you're out there reading this.  Don't think I'm condemning drinking or your life.  This is a brief part of my story and my testimony.  Maybe you're struggling like I was.  I just want to let you know if you are going through a transition or change see it through.  You are stronger then you think.  On the other side is a reward.  Trust me.  I feel like my life is only just beginning, now that I can see and think clearly.  

God Bless.  Semper Fi 

What about you? Do you struggle with anything similar or have you over came an addiction?